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if only i could see [28 Oct 2009|11:38pm]
why ?
Break Me

[17 Jun 2009|08:31pm]
i miss the melbourne girls.
i miss the perth crew.
i miss the way i felt when they were all part of my life.
Break Me

[21 May 2009|09:29pm]
i made all of 4 entries last year. damn my life is interesting. i just noticed an entry where i talked of a long holiday to many places. i'd forgotten all about that, and have been trying to plan the same thing for next month. i wanted to go to all the places i listed over a year ago, and once again, i cannot go. i'm a slave and cannot escape. i am so wrapped up in work that i rarely have time for anything else. i neglect my friends, my family, and myself. it's been almost 14 months since i was last at home. and i keep wanting to go down there, but work always gets busy or we're under-staffed and i elect to stay here and get my department through the hard times.

is it even worth it? no. sure the money is great, but that's about all. i feel unappreciated and never have respect from management, despite everything i do for the place. the one thing that keeps me going is my boss. i work my ass off (so does he), all so that he doesn't have to cover even more jobs. i won't leave yet, because i wouldn't leave him in the shit. last week he said that the whole resort would fold if i weren't here to do the excessive workload that i cover constantly. for him to say that, is the best praise i could ever receive. i have more respect for him than most people i've ever met. i'm fairly modest when it comes to work, but after he said it, i realised it's true. but still, upper management do nothing to make staff happy.

a few months back i was forced to have 3 weeks off, just because i had so many annual leave hours owing. i got only a few weeks notice, so could not start a seperate holiday fund and did not want to dip into my savings, so i did not go on a proper holiday. i now want one, but cannot have it. 5 staff members short. that's alot of extra work for me to cover. then i get in shit for extra hours? fuck that.

i love this island, but it is depressing. you know things are bad when you live on a tropical island, but have a sock tan. the only time i get to a beach is late at night after i've finished work. on RDO's, all i can do is laze around and try to recover before the next onslaught. i'm not living for myself anymore. i have become nothing more than an employee number, not a person. i keep telling people that soon they will walk into the restaurant to start work, and will find me hanging by the neck from the rafters. that'd be a pretty extravagant way to go out. fuck that though. if anything, i will be burnt at the stake... that way the toxic fumes will take out everyone who is there to watch.

i'm scattered right now. tonight there is a party, to say goodbye to 4 people. one of them has been here almost as long as me. i've been friends with her since she arrived. i still cannot believe she is leaving. it always kills me when an old school islander leaves. i dont give a shit when most people go, since ive seen at least 400 people come and go. but when someone who's put in alot of time here goes, it's fucked. i know people cant stay forever, and i wont either, but it never gets easier. ok fuck it, i'm gunna go to the party. i'm almost drunk now, so i can tolerate most of the drones.
Break Me

current obsessions [02 Mar 2009|09:49pm]
antony & the johnsons.
margaret cho.
inter-racial sex partners.
empire of the sun.
dead space.
my funky new grampa hat.
the knife.
a country practice re-runs at 2am.
80's gay porn.
nigella lawson.
julie brown.

good times.
Break Me

[29 Oct 2008|12:45pm]
still on lizard. i can't seem to escape. not much has changed here in the past 2+ years. just that there's been at least 700 staff members come & go in that time. and that's no exaggeration. voyages do nothing to retain staff. at least the company is for sale now. hopefully the scumbag ceo's will be made redundant. that's basically what they already are. useless motherfuckers.

in news that will shock anyone who knows me, i've got yellow fever. yes, i am smitten with an asian.
2 Shards|Break Me

[02 Jun 2008|11:06pm]
still alive.
still on lizard.
back on meds.
not kicked in yet.
going on hols in july.
you know.
my blood hurts.
he left.
another came.
shouldn't have.
superhero party on saturday.
i was abortion man.

"it's all fun & games until someone loses a baby"
Break Me

[30 Jan 2008|11:57pm]
this is dedicated to pez & kerri and our year7 class!

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Break Me

hoping for frequency [04 Jan 2008|01:52am]
plans have changed again. what a shocker.
i'm not going on the big planned holiday.
instead, i'm staying on the island til it's time to leave.
which will more than likely be april.
there's a few possibilites for my future.
melbourne. sydney. or another island.
the island idea is the most appealing to me.
i can work on an island, live on the main land.
all just depends on work opportunities.

but then there's one other factor to consider.
and giving it consideration will just hurt me.
seems to be unavoidable though.
after all these years, how can i still feel this way?
i don't think there will ever be closure for me.
one sided?
3 Shards|Break Me

[14 Dec 2007|02:22am]
oh, i'm still alive and still on lizard island.
holiday in feb/march.
going to: brisbane, gold coast, sydney, hunter valley, perth, and maybe melb.
Break Me

[18 Jun 2007|10:01pm]
well. i was suspended, with pay, last week. 2 guys accused me of being a drug dealer. and management had to have an investigation. one of the accusors was already being investigated for drug use. the other guy, well he got fired and was arrested as soon as he got back to cairns. manslaughter charges. and his uncle that was here, arrested for being a kiddie fiddler.

so i had an interview, which lasted an hour. the HR manager used to be a cop (and seems to think he still is a cop), so the interview was rather amusing for me. i watch enough law & order to know interview techniques. they brought up a bunch of issues, which in my opinion, are bullshit. they're basically clutching at straws. they knew they had nothing on me, so desperation showed. anyway. i've been cleared of the accusations.

they asked 2 managers to write a performance evaluation of me. one person has only been in my department for a month and spends the whole time sitting on the computer. the other person was the front office manager that has never once had any workplace interaction with me. they shouldve asked my other supervisor, who i've worked with for 9 months. but he was off island. still, they should've waited for him to get back on, and then asked him to do the review. if they think they can put it all down as a written warning, they're stupid if they think i'll take shit from them. i don't deserve a written warning. i work so much fucking harder than most people on this island. i do so much extra, do unpaid overtime, and my standard of work is alot higher than most people here. i always feel i have to prove myself, since i am different. and also because i feel like i get segregated. i do feel an air of homophobia from certain higher ups. they'd deny it, though.

it sometimes feels like they want to get rid of me. but if it happened, i'd be taking legal action. when the accusations were made, i flew home. and a family friend helped me write a response to the letter i was given. and that family friend is a journalist, who worked for CNN for many years. so i had to mention that to them in my meeting :)

i know i am one of the best workers here. and they try to give me shit just because i have a different sense of humour and way of expressing myself? they go on with shit about embracing all walks of life. but then when someone who is different comes along, they don't want a bar of them.

i absolutely love being here on this island. i have some good friends, i really enjoy my job, and i'm kinda falling for someone. now if only the few people who are fucking up the island, would just leave. i'm not alone in thinking that certain people are making too many mistakes, and getting away with it. but they can't be fired. what a joke. but yeah anyway. apart from a few assholes, this place is pretty fucking good. and i intend on being here for another 9 months. i'm only 2 days away from being here 9 months already. oh, so that means i can make them give me money. relocation costs, etc. good. i feel i deserve a hell of alot more than what they give me. unappreciative assholes.

anyway. enough ranting about this place. and um. enough writing. bye.
4 Shards|Break Me

[10 Apr 2007|10:29pm]
the phone lines were dead for almost a month.
the staff computer died.
but all is well, again.

i went on holidays back to nsw.
went to the mardi gras parade as crucified jesus.
hung out with jen & sheree, jordy & justin.

when i came back up to this shitty island,
i brought mum up here for a holiday.
i'm such a great son.

i've been here almost 7 months now.
i kinda hate this place and i want to leave.
but i won't.
4 Shards|Break Me

[11 Feb 2007|08:54pm]
in 42 days, 5 friends have left the island.
3 Shards|Break Me

[02 Feb 2007|02:58am]
it's late, i know, but i was thinking of you on your day, elena.

other stuff. sheree leaves the island 9 hours from now. ima miss her alot.

i still miss jen so fucking much. she sends me care-packages. i can't wait to see her in march. if she can't get to sydney, then i'll just slash my wrists. more.

kerri came to visit me on the island a week ago. glam fruity lexia times. seems more than a week since she was here. time is weird on the island.

the real world beckons. no wait, it really doesnt. bring on the anchor song.

5 Shards|Break Me

#1 [14 Jan 2007|11:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

jen leaves the island tomorrow. i remember meeting her on my first night here. i liked her from the start. after i'd been here for about 2-3 weeks, i started having drinking nights at her place down in the bronx. since then, i've been at her place at least 2 nights a week. whenever i'm working and have some spare time, i go to whatever room she is in and help her, just so i can talk with her more. she's my best friend here. i've known all along that she would be leaving this month, but it hadn't even started to sink in until today. after she finished work, we all sat down and had a glass of champagne and talked. i had to get out of there, i didn't want to cry in front of the whole department. this place will be so different without her. i can't believe that she leaves tomorrow. it's come along too soon. i've spent so much time with her, to the point where i felt that i was a nuisance (sp?), but now i wish i'd spent even more time with her. in march when i go on holidays to sydney & home, jen is going to meet me in syd for mardi gras. i'd been contemplating not going on holidays, but when jen said that she'd meet me in syd, there was no way i was gunna miss out on seeing her again. goddammit. i don't wanna wait the 7 weeks til then. she's not even gone yet and i miss her so much.

2 Shards|Break Me

[02 Jan 2007|09:33pm]
i hate you all. not all the time. just, mostly.
Break Me

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